Biden Porn To Be Released

Soon after Democrat strategist and feminist icon Larry Flynt releases his latest porn movie, "Nailin' Palin," which features an adult film actress portraying Gov. Sarah Palin, The Edwards Report is set to release our response: a porn film featuring an actor resembling vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, tentatively titled "Ridin' Biden."  It will make history as the first porn where not just the actors but the entire nation gets screwed.  The film will also feature Keith Olberman as Random Blonde Slut #3, marking his first foray into heterosexual pornography.  Here are some excerpts from the script:

Random Blonde Slut #2: So what position do you want to start with?
Biden: Well, I'd prefer president, but I'll settle for vice president.

Random Blonde Slut #5: Hey, there, fella.
Biden: Hey, there.  You're what my friend Barack would describe as a certain three letter word.  Sexy. S-E-X-Y.

The porn is not expected to sell well outside of the New York Times newsroom, but if it does, we are set to release a sequel starring a Barack Obama look-alike.  It will be titled "If The House Is Baracking, Don't Come A'Knocking."  The very idea has given Chris Matthews a thrill, but this time it wasn't up his leg. In the spirit of bipartisanship, it will also feature look-alikes for Republican SEC chairman Chris Cox and Republican Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced BAY-ner).

Sen. Biden Practices His "O-face."

McCain: I Voted For Obama

In an exclusive fake interview with The Edwards Report, Sen. John McCain admitted he voted for his rival, President-elect Barack Obama.  "My friends, I've always been a maverick.  How can you get more maverick than voting for your opponent?"  McCain went on to assail Gov. Sarah Palin as too conservative and inexperienced to be vice president, in what some consider an attempt to win back his media base before running for president again in 2012 at the age of 109.  McCain had to leave the interview early in order to mow the lawns of the entire New York Times editorial board.

EXCLUSIVE: Transcript From Thursday's VP Debate!

The Edwards Report has obtained an exclusive copy of a transcript from CNN for Thursday night's vice presidential debate. The transcript was hard to obtain, as the debate has yet to happen. In following the very highest in journalistic standards, we now present the transcript to you, the reader:

Sen. Biden: . . . as Lincoln said on the radio after the outbreak of the Revolutionary War, 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'

Gov. Palin: Well, it would be the position of a McCain administration that Russia represents a threat to democracy throughout the world, and we must address this issue seriously but without igniting another Cold War.

Sen. Biden: I'd like to respond to that. I would, I mean Sen. Obama would, respond like Gen. Sherman who called in air strikes and, in fact, personally drove the tank that led the charge to sack Constantinople.

Gov. Palin: Um . . . well, Sen. McCain and I believe that we should continue the path to victory in Iraq that was put forth by Gen. Petraeus, and . . .

Sen. Biden: Well, I went to law school, so I know full well that a Biden administration, I mean an Obama/Biden administration, would respond to any terrorist attack like Genghis Khan who flew his magic carpet as he went on to conquer the Aztecs.

Gwen Ifill: Thank you both for joining us. Goodnight.

Campbell Brown: There you have the first and only vice presidential debate, and you have to wonder if the McCain camp purposely set it up for only one debate.

Anderson Cooper: Absolutely. Sen. Biden came into this as an underdog, but came away the clear winner. Throughout the debate he was able to demonstrate his vast foreign policy experience. For some commentary, let's go to James Carville. James?

James Carville: Thanks, Anderson. Clearly little Sarah is in over her head. She made so many gaffes tonight I couldn't add them up.

Brown: We just heard James Carville's view, now for the other side, let's go to Paul Begala. Paul?

Paul Begala: Thanks, Campbell. Clearly little Sarah is in over her head. She made so many gaffes tonight I couldn't add them up.

Brown: After tonight's performance, you have to wonder how long Gov. Palin stays on the McCain ticket. Keep it here on CNN, always no bias, no bull.

http://edwardsreport.blogspot.com/2008/09/exclusive-transcript-from-thursdays-vp.html

Dowd Visits Alaska

Pulitzer Prize winning New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd has ventured to Alaska to better understand the life of vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.   "I feel like Jack London," she said from her hotel room as she finished her Kegel excercises.  "This place is dreadful.  Yesterday, I broke a heel on my Manolo pump and I was horrified to discover there is not a Saks anywhere in Wasilla."  Dowd was forced to continue wearing the broken shoe rather than face the horror of shopping at Walmart.  She also complained about the lack of good men in the small town, despite her desperate, unending attempts to find one.  "What kind of man doesn't wax his legs, or use moisturizer, or read Vanity Fair?" she wondered.  Dowd had to end the conversation as she was on her way to the local bar, where she will be shocked to discover they don't carry Belvedere vodka or have a tapas menu. When asked to comment, her fellow NYT colleague Frank Rich could only mumble unintelligibly as he had five Krispy Kremes in his mouth and was dancing in women's underwear to a Carole King album.

Obama staff goes hungry as the Senator votes "present" on lunch preference.

Grand Junction, CO. - Campaign staffers and volunteers went without their mid-day meal today when Barack Obama answered the question, "Pizza or Chinese?" with "present."

Confused and hungry workers took The One's decision with quiet dignity, which was later drowned-out by the roar of empty stomachs.

"He knows what's best," said Obama's traveling pedicurist, the visibly weakened and slightly dehydrated Justin Edwards (no relation to The Edwards Report).

Two diabetic volunteers were buried before sunset in compliance with Muslim law.

A like question about lunch preference by the McCain camp was answered by Sarah Palin who simply excused herself from the table and returned seven minutes later to drop a freshly dressed caribou carcass on the conference table.

News In Brief

*CLINTON ON PALIN: When asked about how Clinton would be responding to the Palin nomination, Obama staffer Richard Shorter said that Clinton would not be seen anywhere near Palin because "the last thing the campaign needs is a sexual harassment scandal." When asked to clarify, the spokesman admitted he thought the question was about former President Bill Clinton.

*SEXUAL TENSION IN THE WHITE HOUSE?: Recent reports have speculated about possible sexual tension in the White House between the president and the vice president in 2009. Concerns have been raised that this could interfere with the workings of the government. When asked to comment, Sen. Obama said he thought Biden was "a good, experienced leader," but was "not interested in anything more than a working relationship," while Sen. Biden said he and Obama are "partners, but not the gay kind," but did admit to admiring how Obama looks in a suit.

PSYCHIATRIST OVERWHELMED: Area psychiatrist Harold Scrottle is reportedly feeling overwhelmed, working long hours all due to one patient. Scrottle says he is almost to the breaking point, but expects to write a paper for the Journal of Abnormal Behavior about his patient, blogger Andrew Sullivan, if he doesn't suffer a breakdown himself.

(Yes, this post follows the rule of three.)

Breaking - New Palin Scandal!

Impacting Hard

The political world was thrown into chaos Tuesday night as a possible devastating scandal involving Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and one of her children emerged. The New York Times is set to report in five front page articles on Wednesday morning that Piper, the Palin's 6-year-old daughter, has been a very naughty girl, raising questions about Gov. Palin's governing abilities. Among other shocking details, the Times is revealing that Piper once stayed up past bedtime and refused to eat her vegetables. Bernice Satanica, the head of Humorless Alliance for Grrls! (HAG), responded to the revelations by asking, "If she can't get her 6-year-old to eat broccoli, can we really trust her to negotiate with Ahmadinejad? What kind of mother has ever had a child that disobeyed them?" Campbell Brown, a CNN anchor who also works as a spokesman for the Obama campaign, asked a McCain staffer about the damaging information during her most recent newscast. "This makes one wonder if Palin was really vetted at all. Why didn't the McCain campaign hire a private investigator to follow Piper around so they could have avoided this embarrassment from the start?" Campbell then went on to say that Gen. Petraeus was in charge of putting kids to bed, not parents, before turning things over to Anderson Cooper, who had just returned from a day of antique shopping and Appletinis with his girlfriend, Anita Beard.

The Future Of The Republican Party Is, Well . . . HOT

There has been some chatter about Sen. McCain’s Veep being corruption busting conservative Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. I’m on board, but as the country is not ready for a president who smokes, is it ready for a vice president who is smoking?

And the WSJ’s Potomac Watch columnist Kimberley Strassel has brought my attention to another Republican reformer with a bright future, Missouri State Treasurer Sarah Steelman. Ms. Steelman is running in the Republican primary for governor against the corrupt GOP machine in Missouri.

The cherry on top being the lovely and former beauty pageant winner Cindy McCain as First Lady.

Don’t worry, Dems! You will always have Maryland Sen. Barbara Mikulski!

(Or is that the funny voiced lady from the Poltergeist movies?)