Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Biden Porn To Be Released

Soon after Democrat strategist and feminist icon Larry Flynt releases his latest porn movie, "Nailin' Palin," which features an adult film actress portraying Gov. Sarah Palin, The Edwards Report is set to release our response: a porn film featuring an actor resembling vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, tentatively titled "Ridin' Biden."  It will make history as the first porn where not just the actors but the entire nation gets screwed.  The film will also feature Keith Olberman as Random Blonde Slut #3, marking his first foray into heterosexual pornography.  Here are some excerpts from the script:

Random Blonde Slut #2: So what position do you want to start with?
Biden: Well, I'd prefer president, but I'll settle for vice president.

Random Blonde Slut #5: Hey, there, fella.
Biden: Hey, there.  You're what my friend Barack would describe as a certain three letter word.  Sexy. S-E-X-Y.

The porn is not expected to sell well outside of the New York Times newsroom, but if it does, we are set to release a sequel starring a Barack Obama look-alike.  It will be titled "If The House Is Baracking, Don't Come A'Knocking."  The very idea has given Chris Matthews a thrill, but this time it wasn't up his leg. In the spirit of bipartisanship, it will also feature look-alikes for Republican SEC chairman Chris Cox and Republican Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced BAY-ner).
Sen. Biden Practices His "O-face."

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Keith & Anderson's First Date

Any resemblance to any actual person is like totally not true, yo.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Church of Obama, Denominations

As Obama has become a symbol for all that is good, it has become important to differentiate between the denominations that constitute the Church of Obama:

*Southern Obamaists: This is the chief fundamentalist sect of Obamaism. Their most important tenets are that every word spoken by Obama is to be taken literally and that there are no contradictions in anything he has ever written. They also believe that the world was created 46 years ago.

*Evangelical Obamaists: This denomination is hard to distinguish from the Southern Obamaists politically, but in appearance its members are less dour, put more focus on spreading the word of Obama, and will often sway to the music at Obama rallies (hips not included). They are often referred to as Born Again Barackites, as they have voted for other candidates from different parties in the past, but have been baptized by re-registering.

*Universalist Unitarian Obamaists: This denomination believes there are other politicians besides Obama, but they enjoy the fellowship of the weekly campaign events. They are the least reliable Obamaists, as they aren't certain if they will vote for Obama, or if he even exists at all.

*Catholic Obamaists: This group is split between those who are going through the motions because they long ago gave up believing in all but the most basic precepts of Obamaism, while the other half of the group is made up of traditionalists and new recruits who tend to be older. Both groups are united in their ignoring of the stricture against using non-union made rubber jackets.

*Pentecostal Obamaists: They believe in demonstrations of faith looked down upon by other denominations. For example, they believe their faith in Obama will allow them to drink non organic green tea and to eat non-local, non-free range chicken without being exposed to any side effects. This denomination includes many congregants who become so excited when they speak about Obama that they often appear to be speaking gibberish (known as speaking in tongues), as well as members who attend Obama rallies and pass out after being filled with Obama (known as slaying in the spirit).

*Abamaists: This is a small group that is made up of arrogant members who mistakenly think they are the smartest people in the world. After Hillary lost the primary, they no longer believe there is a Democrat nominee.

UPDATE II: I failed to mention some denominations. My favorite: the Islamaobamas. As we are repeatedly told, this is the most peaceful sect of the Church of Obama. Occassionally a member will act out of sorts, but this is only a response to racism or poverty or something, never as a result of something said or done by Obama. The most famous adherent would be Ludacris. Feminist Obamaists are considered allies, somehow overlooking the Islamaobamas views on women and gays.

Please mention any denominations I forgot in the comments section.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Man At Bar Ready To Fight For Woman He Just Met

Local plumber Harold Scrottle announced to patrons of the Beaver Tavern that he would be willing to fight anyone for the love of his life, Delores Regina Raybull, only moments after meeting her for the first time.  Scrottle, who had been drinking beer since noon, stumbled outside for a cigarette, nearly running into the 34 year old Ms. Raybull.  Immediately smitten, he told her that he was a plumber, and then asked if she knew what they say about those employed in the field of plumbing.  When she replied no, he answered, "We like to rock out with our caulk out."  While the comment was intended as a way to seduce the much younger, much fitter Raybull, it had the opposite effect, as she quickly inhaled her cigarette in order to avoid any more interaction with Mr. Scrottle.  As she tossed her cigarette into the ashtray, she faked a laugh and smile, before saying, "Well, I better get back to my boyfriend.  He is a body builder and very jealous and loves to fight."  Mr. Scrottle interpreted this as a flirtatious invitation to continue in his attempts to woo her.  He is currently recovering at a local hospital.
Mr. Scrottle, moments before the incident with Ms. Raybull's boyfriend.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I Had a One-Night Stand With Gawker

Today, the gossip website Gawker posted a piece entitled, "I Had a One-Night Stand With Christine O'Donnell."  It's with a heavy heart that I feel I must make this post.

I barely knew Gawker when she showed up at my door.  I had seen her standing next to an alleyway on my way to work, with a paper cup soliciting money.  I could see the desperation in her face.  She had clearly failed at everything in life, and was resigned to the fact she was going to have to spend the rest of her days being very poor and knew that no matter how hard she tried she would never accomplish or produce anything of value. I took pity on her, giving her a few dollars to buy food, every now and then, against my better judgment.  I knew the more people who came to see her would only be an encouragement to continue to waste her life.
I invited Gawker in to my apartment.  I had heard through a mutual friend that she had miraculously found a job but was still living on the streets.  It was Halloween night, and I thought Gawker was dressed up as a hipster.  I complimented her on her costume, only to awkwardly discover that she was not actually wearing a costume.  She told me these clothes were the only thing she could afford because her current job did not pay much.  I asked her what she did for a living, and she said, "I basically mock people who are successful or famous or who have made achievements in their lives on a group blog."  After she said this, I could see she was ashamed.  "That's great.  Snark is very popular these days," I said in an effort to make her feel better.  It didn't work.  She tried to fight back tears.  "Yeah, but I do it without being witty, clever, original, funny, or amusing in any way whatsoever.  I'm like Maureen Dowd only without the inflated reputation and salary."  
I was on my fifteenth beer, and offered Gawker one, although I could tell she had been drinking heavily as well.  We sat on the couch and chatted for a few hours and several beers.  At some point, Gawker began to awkwardly make passes at me.  I tried to ignore them, but no longer could when she stood up and took her jeans and thong off.  The aroma of tuna filled my apartment, and it was clear the whole "dealing with feminine odor" trend had passed her by.  I was taken aback, not so much now by the smell, but by the sheer size of her labia.  "Good gawd, Gawker!  There's a surgery for that you know."  She almost started crying again, but fought back the tears and bravely said: "Actually, this is the result of surgery.  I was born without genitals.  I was told of a very inexpensive plastic surgeon in Tijuana who specializes in constructing genitalia for those born without genitals.  He was recommended to me by Keith Olbermann. But as I said, he's inexpensive and in Tijuana."
At this point, Gawker broke down.  Sobbing, curled up in the fetal position, she managed to say: "I'm a virgin, but not by choice.  I'm an embarrassment to my family.  My job doesn't actually require me to produce anything.  I sit in cramped cubicle, in the dark and without heat, desperately searching other websites for tidbits I can put in a post along with a sentence or two mocking whoever is the subject of the tidbit. I turn my nose up at those who disagree with me while attacking them for being intolerant; I mock those who aren't as hip or as talented as me, but I'm a complete loser who has never had an original thought; nothing I've said could be classified as interesting, only as sad, pathetic, and ironically ironic.  Also, I have large labia.  I'm just like Maureen Dowd only without the long, long, long list of one night stands."
At this point, Gawker asked if we could see each other again.  I told her maybe out of pity, but I knew the answer was no.  After this display, I knew it was best if I never saw Gawker again.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: Obama's Marriage Proposal



The Obama campaign is furious that a transcript of Sen. Obama’s marriage proposal to Michelle was leaked to the media. The MSM refuses to publish the information, but because this website never attended Columbia Graduate School of Journalism, we know a good story when we find it!


Barack Obama (not on one knee, but standing, gazing defiantly into the distance): We are the husband we’ve been waiting for. I am more than your suitor, but rather I have become a symbol of the possibilities of marriage. After our first twenty years of marriage, you will look back on this moment as the time that your loneliness began to recede and your heart began to heal. This is the moment that will end divorce and secure marriage. I promise to provide you with care when you are sick and a job if you lose yours. Let there be no new walls to divide us. Now is the moment to say yes. The odds you will say yes are very good so I’ve already told my family and friends we are engaged, as well as scheduled the wedding.

(Barack Obama stops reading from teleprompter, looks down confidently to Michelle.)


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Obama Institutes Sharia Law In White House

   In order to improve America's reputation among terrorists who want to kill us, President Obama has issued an executive order instituting sharia law within the White House. The decision to implement sharia, the Islamic law, was met with cheers from Islamic spokesmen in Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Buttfarkistan, who praised the move by Obama before returning to planning bombings, developing nuclear weapons, and plotting attacks on Americans.
   The reaction was varied in the White House, but spokesman Robert Gibbs tried to alleviate any fears. "Take for example Chief of Staff Rahm Emaunel," he said at a press conference this morning. "He's Jewish, so he will feel right at home in a White House that doesn't serve pork. Of course, as a dirty Jew, he will not actually be allowed in the White House anymore. Or to live." Gibbs, who will change his name to Ahmed Ahmed tomorrow, said there was no truth to the rumor that Sharia law was only instituted to force Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi to wear burqas.
   Reactions outside the White House were varied. The decision was not popular on Capital Hill, especially when it was learned that Rep. Barney Frank and Sen. Barbara Mikulski would be stoned to death if they set foot in the White House. But the response from the American Civil Liberties Union was supportive. "As long as they don't put up a creche or a copy of the Ten Commandments, we are fine with this decision," said Harold Scrottle, ACLU spokesman. The one exception to Sharia law will be the Oval Office, where President Obama will still be allowed to drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and snort cocaine.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Unfortunate Facebook Updates

Harold says look for me tonight on To Catch A Predator.

Vicki is at the Planned Parenthood clinic.  Again.

Barack is missing Larry.

Sully is enjoying happy hour at Bareback Willie's.

Sherri hopes her herpes doesn't flare up before her blind date.

Pablo just cut this shit.

Bob says his pet baboon was a bad boy and needs to be punished, so he is spanking his monkey.

Ahmed is, Praise Allah, strapping on the bomb now.

Barack is missing Larry, and waiting on Pablo.

Bob is watching Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Laura is leaving FB for Myspace.

Chris says I'm sorry, but that Umbrella-ella-ella song drove me nuts.

Barack is missing Larry, and trying to find a straw.

Jenny is Whoa! What a heavy flow!

Cletus is off to the cleaners to pick up his robe for the rally tonight.

Kyle is liking the escort selection tonight on Craigslist.

Toby is really digging midget tranny with goats porn.

Barack is missing Larry, and says this shit was cut.

Friday, February 20, 2009

EXCLUSIVE: Analyst predicts stock winners for economic crisis.

New York, NY – A source inside CNBC News leaked a private memo on Friday meant for top management at Morgan Stanley. The document outlines segments predicted to grow rapidly as congress moves to nationalize additional private industry.

Here is an excerpt from the list:

1. PAPER: specifically the kind used to print US Currency and notices terminating employment.