Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Church of Obama, Denominations

As Obama has become a symbol for all that is good, it has become important to differentiate between the denominations that constitute the Church of Obama:

*Southern Obamaists: This is the chief fundamentalist sect of Obamaism. Their most important tenets are that every word spoken by Obama is to be taken literally and that there are no contradictions in anything he has ever written. They also believe that the world was created 46 years ago.

*Evangelical Obamaists: This denomination is hard to distinguish from the Southern Obamaists politically, but in appearance its members are less dour, put more focus on spreading the word of Obama, and will often sway to the music at Obama rallies (hips not included). They are often referred to as Born Again Barackites, as they have voted for other candidates from different parties in the past, but have been baptized by re-registering.

*Universalist Unitarian Obamaists: This denomination believes there are other politicians besides Obama, but they enjoy the fellowship of the weekly campaign events. They are the least reliable Obamaists, as they aren't certain if they will vote for Obama, or if he even exists at all.

*Catholic Obamaists: This group is split between those who are going through the motions because they long ago gave up believing in all but the most basic precepts of Obamaism, while the other half of the group is made up of traditionalists and new recruits who tend to be older. Both groups are united in their ignoring of the stricture against using non-union made rubber jackets.

*Pentecostal Obamaists: They believe in demonstrations of faith looked down upon by other denominations. For example, they believe their faith in Obama will allow them to drink non organic green tea and to eat non-local, non-free range chicken without being exposed to any side effects. This denomination includes many congregants who become so excited when they speak about Obama that they often appear to be speaking gibberish (known as speaking in tongues), as well as members who attend Obama rallies and pass out after being filled with Obama (known as slaying in the spirit).

*Abamaists: This is a small group that is made up of arrogant members who mistakenly think they are the smartest people in the world. After Hillary lost the primary, they no longer believe there is a Democrat nominee.

UPDATE II: I failed to mention some denominations. My favorite: the Islamaobamas. As we are repeatedly told, this is the most peaceful sect of the Church of Obama. Occassionally a member will act out of sorts, but this is only a response to racism or poverty or something, never as a result of something said or done by Obama. The most famous adherent would be Ludacris. Feminist Obamaists are considered allies, somehow overlooking the Islamaobamas views on women and gays.

Please mention any denominations I forgot in the comments section.

UPDATE: WELCOME CORNER READERS! NRO ROCKS! You're kinda cute yourself, Mr. Derbyshire. WELCOME HOTAIR READERS!

1 comment:

Laura said...

For those of us who believe in the separation of church and state, this post is a WTF? You really shouldn't have let your mind wander; I don't believe it's coming back.

Perhaps you could post a Republic Radical Right Wing Fundie key so the 'less enlightened' amongst us could follow along.