Biden Porn To Be Released

Soon after Democrat strategist and feminist icon Larry Flynt releases his latest porn movie, "Nailin' Palin," which features an adult film actress portraying Gov. Sarah Palin, The Edwards Report is set to release our response: a porn film featuring an actor resembling vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, tentatively titled "Ridin' Biden."  It will make history as the first porn where not just the actors but the entire nation gets screwed.  The film will also feature Keith Olberman as Random Blonde Slut #3, marking his first foray into heterosexual pornography.  Here are some excerpts from the script:

Random Blonde Slut #2: So what position do you want to start with?
Biden: Well, I'd prefer president, but I'll settle for vice president.

Random Blonde Slut #5: Hey, there, fella.
Biden: Hey, there.  You're what my friend Barack would describe as a certain three letter word.  Sexy. S-E-X-Y.

The porn is not expected to sell well outside of the New York Times newsroom, but if it does, we are set to release a sequel starring a Barack Obama look-alike.  It will be titled "If The House Is Baracking, Don't Come A'Knocking."  The very idea has given Chris Matthews a thrill, but this time it wasn't up his leg. In the spirit of bipartisanship, it will also feature look-alikes for Republican SEC chairman Chris Cox and Republican Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced BAY-ner).

Sen. Biden Practices His "O-face."

EXCLUSIVE: Transcript From Thursday's VP Debate!

The Edwards Report has obtained an exclusive copy of a transcript from CNN for Thursday night's vice presidential debate. The transcript was hard to obtain, as the debate has yet to happen. In following the very highest in journalistic standards, we now present the transcript to you, the reader:

Sen. Biden: . . . as Lincoln said on the radio after the outbreak of the Revolutionary War, 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'

Gov. Palin: Well, it would be the position of a McCain administration that Russia represents a threat to democracy throughout the world, and we must address this issue seriously but without igniting another Cold War.

Sen. Biden: I'd like to respond to that. I would, I mean Sen. Obama would, respond like Gen. Sherman who called in air strikes and, in fact, personally drove the tank that led the charge to sack Constantinople.

Gov. Palin: Um . . . well, Sen. McCain and I believe that we should continue the path to victory in Iraq that was put forth by Gen. Petraeus, and . . .

Sen. Biden: Well, I went to law school, so I know full well that a Biden administration, I mean an Obama/Biden administration, would respond to any terrorist attack like Genghis Khan who flew his magic carpet as he went on to conquer the Aztecs.

Gwen Ifill: Thank you both for joining us. Goodnight.

Campbell Brown: There you have the first and only vice presidential debate, and you have to wonder if the McCain camp purposely set it up for only one debate.

Anderson Cooper: Absolutely. Sen. Biden came into this as an underdog, but came away the clear winner. Throughout the debate he was able to demonstrate his vast foreign policy experience. For some commentary, let's go to James Carville. James?

James Carville: Thanks, Anderson. Clearly little Sarah is in over her head. She made so many gaffes tonight I couldn't add them up.

Brown: We just heard James Carville's view, now for the other side, let's go to Paul Begala. Paul?

Paul Begala: Thanks, Campbell. Clearly little Sarah is in over her head. She made so many gaffes tonight I couldn't add them up.

Brown: After tonight's performance, you have to wonder how long Gov. Palin stays on the McCain ticket. Keep it here on CNN, always no bias, no bull.

http://edwardsreport.blogspot.com/2008/09/exclusive-transcript-from-thursdays-vp.html

News In Brief

*CLINTON ON PALIN: When asked about how Clinton would be responding to the Palin nomination, Obama staffer Richard Shorter said that Clinton would not be seen anywhere near Palin because "the last thing the campaign needs is a sexual harassment scandal." When asked to clarify, the spokesman admitted he thought the question was about former President Bill Clinton.

*SEXUAL TENSION IN THE WHITE HOUSE?: Recent reports have speculated about possible sexual tension in the White House between the president and the vice president in 2009. Concerns have been raised that this could interfere with the workings of the government. When asked to comment, Sen. Obama said he thought Biden was "a good, experienced leader," but was "not interested in anything more than a working relationship," while Sen. Biden said he and Obama are "partners, but not the gay kind," but did admit to admiring how Obama looks in a suit.

PSYCHIATRIST OVERWHELMED: Area psychiatrist Harold Scrottle is reportedly feeling overwhelmed, working long hours all due to one patient. Scrottle says he is almost to the breaking point, but expects to write a paper for the Journal of Abnormal Behavior about his patient, blogger Andrew Sullivan, if he doesn't suffer a breakdown himself.

(Yes, this post follows the rule of three.)