McCain: I Voted For Obama

In an exclusive fake interview with The Edwards Report, Sen. John McCain admitted he voted for his rival, President-elect Barack Obama.  "My friends, I've always been a maverick.  How can you get more maverick than voting for your opponent?"  McCain went on to assail Gov. Sarah Palin as too conservative and inexperienced to be vice president, in what some consider an attempt to win back his media base before running for president again in 2012 at the age of 109.  McCain had to leave the interview early in order to mow the lawns of the entire New York Times editorial board.

NYT Plans Obama Victory Party

New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller has begun preparations for an election night Obama victory party at the venerated newspaper's headquarters. "It's gonna be, like, a totally awesome night, ya know?" Keller said. Columnist Frank Rich is in charge of procuring music and has already signed up his favorite band, the Pet Shop Boys. Maureen Dowd, as chair of the entertainment committee, has hired the Chippendales dancers. She made her choice after exhaustive research with each member of the dance team in her private office. Master of Ceremonies Bob Herbert will be using the same material he used in 2004 for the Kerry victory party. Debutante David Brooks is expected to make a splash in his new, exclusive Vera Wang gown. He will be escorted by Mr. Kathleen Parker. Bill Kristol's invitation was accidentally shredded. Jayson Blair, in his first visit back to the NYT offices since being fired for plaigirism, will be providing the blow. In the unlikely event of a McCain victory, the NYT has seven reporters covering the prevalence of racism in America. The stories have already been written.

NYT Reveals Fannie Mae Scandal

In a shocking political twist, the New York Times revealed Wednesday that McCain spokesman Harold Scrottle had walked by the Fannie Mae building in Washington, D.C. several times in the last few years, implicating McCain in the current housing mess.  Scrottle did not walk by the building during the tenure of Franklin Raines, insulating the NYT from charges of racism for their exclusive report.
UPDATE: The NYT is now reporting that Scrottle in fact has never been to DC, so he could not have walked by the building.  They are standing by their story.

New Anti McCain Ad

On the heels of popular left-wing radio host Randi Rhodes attacking John McCain for lying about his experiences as a POW and an Obama campaign television ad attacking McCain for his inability to use a computer because of injuries sustained as a POW, a new liberal group is continuting the theme. Created in order to aid left wing candidates in tight races, the Democrat Organization United to Contest Heated Elections has released the text for its latest ad. The Edwards Report has obtained an exclusive copy:

John McCain claims to speak for the common man, but how can a man too good
to comb his own hair or too high and mighty to do jumping jacks relate to the
average American? The average American can't afford a 5 1/2 year Asian
vacation. Was it really the Hanoi Hilton, or more like Good Time
Charley's?  Would a true American have spent so much time overseas?  We're Tony Rezko, Bill Ayers, and Jeremiah Wright, and we approved this message.

Obama To Address Economy

A Man of the People

In order to better address the concerns of the American people about the state of the economy, Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama is set to make a major speech on the subject this afternoon.  Obama will discuss his plan for helping the average American at a $28,500 per person fundraiser in the economically depressed region of Hollywood.  Obama's speech will include attacks on Republican presidential candidate John McCain for being out of touch and a call for a federal investigation into the high price of organic, locally grown arugula at Whole Foods.  In a disappointment to supporters, he will not be tackling the difficult issue of the availability of free range chicken or edamame. 

Obama staff goes hungry as the Senator votes "present" on lunch preference.

Grand Junction, CO. - Campaign staffers and volunteers went without their mid-day meal today when Barack Obama answered the question, "Pizza or Chinese?" with "present."

Confused and hungry workers took The One's decision with quiet dignity, which was later drowned-out by the roar of empty stomachs.

"He knows what's best," said Obama's traveling pedicurist, the visibly weakened and slightly dehydrated Justin Edwards (no relation to The Edwards Report).

Two diabetic volunteers were buried before sunset in compliance with Muslim law.

A like question about lunch preference by the McCain camp was answered by Sarah Palin who simply excused herself from the table and returned seven minutes later to drop a freshly dressed caribou carcass on the conference table.

Breaking - New Palin Scandal!

Impacting Hard

The political world was thrown into chaos Tuesday night as a possible devastating scandal involving Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and one of her children emerged. The New York Times is set to report in five front page articles on Wednesday morning that Piper, the Palin's 6-year-old daughter, has been a very naughty girl, raising questions about Gov. Palin's governing abilities. Among other shocking details, the Times is revealing that Piper once stayed up past bedtime and refused to eat her vegetables. Bernice Satanica, the head of Humorless Alliance for Grrls! (HAG), responded to the revelations by asking, "If she can't get her 6-year-old to eat broccoli, can we really trust her to negotiate with Ahmadinejad? What kind of mother has ever had a child that disobeyed them?" Campbell Brown, a CNN anchor who also works as a spokesman for the Obama campaign, asked a McCain staffer about the damaging information during her most recent newscast. "This makes one wonder if Palin was really vetted at all. Why didn't the McCain campaign hire a private investigator to follow Piper around so they could have avoided this embarrassment from the start?" Campbell then went on to say that Gen. Petraeus was in charge of putting kids to bed, not parents, before turning things over to Anderson Cooper, who had just returned from a day of antique shopping and Appletinis with his girlfriend, Anita Beard.