NYT Plans Obama Victory Party

New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller has begun preparations for an election night Obama victory party at the venerated newspaper's headquarters. "It's gonna be, like, a totally awesome night, ya know?" Keller said. Columnist Frank Rich is in charge of procuring music and has already signed up his favorite band, the Pet Shop Boys. Maureen Dowd, as chair of the entertainment committee, has hired the Chippendales dancers. She made her choice after exhaustive research with each member of the dance team in her private office. Master of Ceremonies Bob Herbert will be using the same material he used in 2004 for the Kerry victory party. Debutante David Brooks is expected to make a splash in his new, exclusive Vera Wang gown. He will be escorted by Mr. Kathleen Parker. Bill Kristol's invitation was accidentally shredded. Jayson Blair, in his first visit back to the NYT offices since being fired for plaigirism, will be providing the blow. In the unlikely event of a McCain victory, the NYT has seven reporters covering the prevalence of racism in America. The stories have already been written.

Axis of Evil Starts PAC

The Axis of Evil announced this morning that the group will be forming a political action committee (PAC) to help in the election efforts of Sen. Barack Obama. While technically illegal, they have received assurances from the Obama campaign that it will not be an issue. The PAC will include Great Leader Kim Jong-il of North Korea and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran. Saddam Hussein of Iraq was unavailable, so the group held an event called Despot Idol to find a replacement. The first winner was Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe but he was mysteriously poisoned. The eventual victor was Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was reportedly very angry when he received his low score on the final round, and was overheard saying, "I knew that Simon was a jackass. He must be working with the neoliberal Bush." When reached for comment, Ahmadinejad said he started the PAC because, "America needs change. And hope. I think Barack Obama is the man for that. He will raise taxes on businesses to ensure taxation fairness and that America is never again the world's economic leader. Oh, and he can recite the Islamic call to prayer in Arabic, which is really just the icing on the cake." He then abruptly hung up the phone because he had to officiate over a stoning of homosexuals who don't exist. Equally excited was Kim, who remarked, "This is like so totally awesome. When Mahmound called me, I was like, I am so in, and he was all like, this is going to be so hot." He then asked to speak to Hannah Montana. At the press conference announcing the addition of the Russian Prime Minister, Putin stated Obama "brings us hope and change. Hope that no one will stand in our way, and change from the current policy of so rudely defending freedom."

EXCLUSIVE: Transcript From Thursday's VP Debate!

The Edwards Report has obtained an exclusive copy of a transcript from CNN for Thursday night's vice presidential debate. The transcript was hard to obtain, as the debate has yet to happen. In following the very highest in journalistic standards, we now present the transcript to you, the reader:

Sen. Biden: . . . as Lincoln said on the radio after the outbreak of the Revolutionary War, 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'

Gov. Palin: Well, it would be the position of a McCain administration that Russia represents a threat to democracy throughout the world, and we must address this issue seriously but without igniting another Cold War.

Sen. Biden: I'd like to respond to that. I would, I mean Sen. Obama would, respond like Gen. Sherman who called in air strikes and, in fact, personally drove the tank that led the charge to sack Constantinople.

Gov. Palin: Um . . . well, Sen. McCain and I believe that we should continue the path to victory in Iraq that was put forth by Gen. Petraeus, and . . .

Sen. Biden: Well, I went to law school, so I know full well that a Biden administration, I mean an Obama/Biden administration, would respond to any terrorist attack like Genghis Khan who flew his magic carpet as he went on to conquer the Aztecs.

Gwen Ifill: Thank you both for joining us. Goodnight.

Campbell Brown: There you have the first and only vice presidential debate, and you have to wonder if the McCain camp purposely set it up for only one debate.

Anderson Cooper: Absolutely. Sen. Biden came into this as an underdog, but came away the clear winner. Throughout the debate he was able to demonstrate his vast foreign policy experience. For some commentary, let's go to James Carville. James?

James Carville: Thanks, Anderson. Clearly little Sarah is in over her head. She made so many gaffes tonight I couldn't add them up.

Brown: We just heard James Carville's view, now for the other side, let's go to Paul Begala. Paul?

Paul Begala: Thanks, Campbell. Clearly little Sarah is in over her head. She made so many gaffes tonight I couldn't add them up.

Brown: After tonight's performance, you have to wonder how long Gov. Palin stays on the McCain ticket. Keep it here on CNN, always no bias, no bull.

http://edwardsreport.blogspot.com/2008/09/exclusive-transcript-from-thursdays-vp.html

New Anti McCain Ad

On the heels of popular left-wing radio host Randi Rhodes attacking John McCain for lying about his experiences as a POW and an Obama campaign television ad attacking McCain for his inability to use a computer because of injuries sustained as a POW, a new liberal group is continuting the theme. Created in order to aid left wing candidates in tight races, the Democrat Organization United to Contest Heated Elections has released the text for its latest ad. The Edwards Report has obtained an exclusive copy:

John McCain claims to speak for the common man, but how can a man too good
to comb his own hair or too high and mighty to do jumping jacks relate to the
average American? The average American can't afford a 5 1/2 year Asian
vacation. Was it really the Hanoi Hilton, or more like Good Time
Charley's?  Would a true American have spent so much time overseas?  We're Tony Rezko, Bill Ayers, and Jeremiah Wright, and we approved this message.

Obama To Address Economy

A Man of the People

In order to better address the concerns of the American people about the state of the economy, Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama is set to make a major speech on the subject this afternoon.  Obama will discuss his plan for helping the average American at a $28,500 per person fundraiser in the economically depressed region of Hollywood.  Obama's speech will include attacks on Republican presidential candidate John McCain for being out of touch and a call for a federal investigation into the high price of organic, locally grown arugula at Whole Foods.  In a disappointment to supporters, he will not be tackling the difficult issue of the availability of free range chicken or edamame. 

News In Brief

*CLINTON ON PALIN: When asked about how Clinton would be responding to the Palin nomination, Obama staffer Richard Shorter said that Clinton would not be seen anywhere near Palin because "the last thing the campaign needs is a sexual harassment scandal." When asked to clarify, the spokesman admitted he thought the question was about former President Bill Clinton.

*SEXUAL TENSION IN THE WHITE HOUSE?: Recent reports have speculated about possible sexual tension in the White House between the president and the vice president in 2009. Concerns have been raised that this could interfere with the workings of the government. When asked to comment, Sen. Obama said he thought Biden was "a good, experienced leader," but was "not interested in anything more than a working relationship," while Sen. Biden said he and Obama are "partners, but not the gay kind," but did admit to admiring how Obama looks in a suit.

PSYCHIATRIST OVERWHELMED: Area psychiatrist Harold Scrottle is reportedly feeling overwhelmed, working long hours all due to one patient. Scrottle says he is almost to the breaking point, but expects to write a paper for the Journal of Abnormal Behavior about his patient, blogger Andrew Sullivan, if he doesn't suffer a breakdown himself.

(Yes, this post follows the rule of three.)