Biden Porn To Be Released

Soon after Democrat strategist and feminist icon Larry Flynt releases his latest porn movie, "Nailin' Palin," which features an adult film actress portraying Gov. Sarah Palin, The Edwards Report is set to release our response: a porn film featuring an actor resembling vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, tentatively titled "Ridin' Biden."  It will make history as the first porn where not just the actors but the entire nation gets screwed.  The film will also feature Keith Olberman as Random Blonde Slut #3, marking his first foray into heterosexual pornography.  Here are some excerpts from the script:

Random Blonde Slut #2: So what position do you want to start with?
Biden: Well, I'd prefer president, but I'll settle for vice president.

Random Blonde Slut #5: Hey, there, fella.
Biden: Hey, there.  You're what my friend Barack would describe as a certain three letter word.  Sexy. S-E-X-Y.

The porn is not expected to sell well outside of the New York Times newsroom, but if it does, we are set to release a sequel starring a Barack Obama look-alike.  It will be titled "If The House Is Baracking, Don't Come A'Knocking."  The very idea has given Chris Matthews a thrill, but this time it wasn't up his leg. In the spirit of bipartisanship, it will also feature look-alikes for Republican SEC chairman Chris Cox and Republican Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced BAY-ner).

Sen. Biden Practices His "O-face."

NYT Plans Obama Victory Party

New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller has begun preparations for an election night Obama victory party at the venerated newspaper's headquarters. "It's gonna be, like, a totally awesome night, ya know?" Keller said. Columnist Frank Rich is in charge of procuring music and has already signed up his favorite band, the Pet Shop Boys. Maureen Dowd, as chair of the entertainment committee, has hired the Chippendales dancers. She made her choice after exhaustive research with each member of the dance team in her private office. Master of Ceremonies Bob Herbert will be using the same material he used in 2004 for the Kerry victory party. Debutante David Brooks is expected to make a splash in his new, exclusive Vera Wang gown. He will be escorted by Mr. Kathleen Parker. Bill Kristol's invitation was accidentally shredded. Jayson Blair, in his first visit back to the NYT offices since being fired for plaigirism, will be providing the blow. In the unlikely event of a McCain victory, the NYT has seven reporters covering the prevalence of racism in America. The stories have already been written.

NYT Reveals Fannie Mae Scandal

In a shocking political twist, the New York Times revealed Wednesday that McCain spokesman Harold Scrottle had walked by the Fannie Mae building in Washington, D.C. several times in the last few years, implicating McCain in the current housing mess.  Scrottle did not walk by the building during the tenure of Franklin Raines, insulating the NYT from charges of racism for their exclusive report.
UPDATE: The NYT is now reporting that Scrottle in fact has never been to DC, so he could not have walked by the building.  They are standing by their story.

BREAKING: AIKEN GAY!!!!!

The entertainment world was stunned today when former American Idol singer and current ballerina Clay Aiken revealed he was a homosexual.  The revelations sent shockwaves through Los Angeles, New York, and the hearts of overweight, middle aged, lonely women, all of whom were still reeling from the shocking gay admissions from Neil Patrick Harris, Lance Bass, and Rosie O'Donnell.  Spokesmen for the Backstreet Boys and Tom Cruise could not be reached for comment.

Dowd Visits Alaska

Pulitzer Prize winning New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd has ventured to Alaska to better understand the life of vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.   "I feel like Jack London," she said from her hotel room as she finished her Kegel excercises.  "This place is dreadful.  Yesterday, I broke a heel on my Manolo pump and I was horrified to discover there is not a Saks anywhere in Wasilla."  Dowd was forced to continue wearing the broken shoe rather than face the horror of shopping at Walmart.  She also complained about the lack of good men in the small town, despite her desperate, unending attempts to find one.  "What kind of man doesn't wax his legs, or use moisturizer, or read Vanity Fair?" she wondered.  Dowd had to end the conversation as she was on her way to the local bar, where she will be shocked to discover they don't carry Belvedere vodka or have a tapas menu. When asked to comment, her fellow NYT colleague Frank Rich could only mumble unintelligibly as he had five Krispy Kremes in his mouth and was dancing in women's underwear to a Carole King album.

Breaking - New Palin Scandal!

Impacting Hard

The political world was thrown into chaos Tuesday night as a possible devastating scandal involving Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and one of her children emerged. The New York Times is set to report in five front page articles on Wednesday morning that Piper, the Palin's 6-year-old daughter, has been a very naughty girl, raising questions about Gov. Palin's governing abilities. Among other shocking details, the Times is revealing that Piper once stayed up past bedtime and refused to eat her vegetables. Bernice Satanica, the head of Humorless Alliance for Grrls! (HAG), responded to the revelations by asking, "If she can't get her 6-year-old to eat broccoli, can we really trust her to negotiate with Ahmadinejad? What kind of mother has ever had a child that disobeyed them?" Campbell Brown, a CNN anchor who also works as a spokesman for the Obama campaign, asked a McCain staffer about the damaging information during her most recent newscast. "This makes one wonder if Palin was really vetted at all. Why didn't the McCain campaign hire a private investigator to follow Piper around so they could have avoided this embarrassment from the start?" Campbell then went on to say that Gen. Petraeus was in charge of putting kids to bed, not parents, before turning things over to Anderson Cooper, who had just returned from a day of antique shopping and Appletinis with his girlfriend, Anita Beard.