Miley Cyrus Enters Rehab

The world community was rocked today when it was announced that tween music and television star Miley Cyrus had entered rehab.  The move was a declared a "preemptive strike," as Cyrus has yet to start drinking or doing drugs. But the move was considered necessary to avoid the fate of other young, female stars such as Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and one (or maybe both) of the Olsen twins.  Cyrus' father, Billy Ray Cyrus, the first openly gay country music star, was quoted as saying, "We consider this the best path to avoid seeing pictures in the National Enquirer of Miley crashing her car after a night of partying or doing a line of blow off of Charlie Sheen."  Cyrus is expected to begin drinking and doing drugs as soon as she is released from rehab.

News In Brief

News In Brief

*It was announced today that popular singer Fergie will be posing nude for Playgirl magazine, surprising a small portion of the public who thought Fergie was a woman.

*The White House revealed yesterday that actor Christian Bale has been hired as an assistant to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.

*The Edwards Report, struggling to make ends meet in the current economic crisis, will begin manufacturing pillows in the shape of Scarlett Johansson's bosom in order to increase revenue and to ensure getting to bed at a decent hour.

Edwardsreport.com Forced To Apologize

On the heels of the Michael Phelps marijuana scandal, the amateur, right wing, satirical blogging community was rocked Thursday when a photo of the Edwardsreport.com surfaced showing the website engaged in a wild party, possibly destroying the reputation of the wholesome, family friendly blog.  In the picture, you can clearly see the blog cavorting with five hookers, three midgets, and a donkey while a kilo of cocaine, a bottle of the horse tranquilizer Ketamine, and a vial of human adrenal gland can be spotted in the background.  When contacted for comment, Edwardsreport.com responded by apologizing, claiming it would never happen again, before leaving to pick up Amy Winehouse for a party at Kid Rock's mansion.

Moveon.org cites 3.2 million conservative registrations in two weeks.

San Francisco, CA – The progressive PAC Moveon.org, which gained notoriety among the unwashed masses for anti-Bush rehtoric since 2000, announced more than 3.2 million new registrations since President Barack Obama's coronation on January 20, 2009.

"Let me be clear," stated a bewildered Jennifer Lindenauer, Moveon.org's Communication Director and vegan hacky-sack enthusiast, "we support this president and his administration. The advocacy requests we're getting from our base reflect a disconnect with our mission and message."

Patricia Stanley, a grandmother of three and part-time concealed carry handgun instructor from Smelterville, Idaho was pleased to count herself among the new 3.2 million Americans wanting to move on from the Obama administration. "I'm thrilled to be a part of an online community which shares my frustration with the failings of this president. I donated yesterday with the request they use the money to make one of [those] Nazi ads about that son-of-a-[President of the United States].

Millions of conservatives like Stanley echoed the sentiment. At an Applebee's in suburban Nebraska a small group of activists gathered to discuss the merits of their newfound platform for political activism. Attending the informal gathering was Robert Whybark who commented, "[moveon.org] is like being a room full of old friends. We all have a common goal of removing this awful president. Some have other goals as well - and because of our political common ground - we're doing our best to educate ourselves on those topics to lend a hand." On the agenda that evening was a presentation on composting post-abortive fetus'.

Executive Director Eli Parister addressed a group of conservatives who had gathered outside moveon.org's headquarters and formed a drum circle outside the existing drum circle which appeared in late 2003. "You all should go. This isn't what you think it is," Parister said but was drowned out by cheers and chants from the crowd of employed, well-groomed people.

"This is ridiculous," Parister later reverberated through the glass chasm of his water bong, "These new guys are vicious, hateful and crazy. You just can't reason with someone like that."

The 3.2 million new members increased advertising revenue at the site enough for the company to purchase new incense holders shaped like Indonesian fertility idols.

Family Guy Runs Out Of Pop Culture References

In a stunning blow to the popular Fox animated series, creator Seth MacFarlane announced yesterday that Family Guy has run out of pop culture references.  "This is unfortunate, but we realized about a year ago we were getting low on original references to '80s movies, recent hit songs, and dead celebrities."  The show has been reduced to making references to obscure art films from the 1970s, 17th Century French poets, and up-and-coming Icelandic comedians.  In a recent episode, Peter Griffin, after coming down with the flu, remarks, "Well, this isn't as bad as the time Francois de Malharbe and I caught a disease at the siege of La Rochelle." 

In order to fill time, Kool-Aid Man will break through a wall yelling, "Oh yeah!," at least three times an episode.  In addition, jokes about the Jews and the Holocaust that betray an uncomfortable familiarity with Mein Kampf and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion will increase by 15%.  Cutaway gags beginning with "This reminds me of that one time . . ." from the first four seasons will also be recycled more frequently.

Mexicans propose border fence to keep Americans out.

Mexico City, MX – Mexican lawmakers today proposed a 700 mile border fence to keep Americans from illegally entering the country. Recent economic conditions in the US have sent tens of thousands of Americans over the border seeking employment.

Home Depots in Guadalajara and Tijuana reported shiny, pale objects on the periphery of their parking lots - later determined to be illegal Caucasians looking for work.

Mary Consuela, a futbol mom from a suburb of Cancun was quick to endorse the fence. “They come to work to support their families in America – I understand that,” said Consuela. “But they drive our highways without insurance, sleep 9 people in a studio apartment and are mostly employed under-the-table to avoid taxes. What happens when they need health care or other services? It comes out of my pocket.”

Small protests have popped-up across the country as people waving American flags demanded amnesty. Those without bribe money were taken into the desert and shot by authorities.

A group calling itself “The Conquistadors” has begun patrolling the border area. When asked for comment, a man identifying himself as their leader said something in Spanish.

Legislators representing states adjacent to the US were careful to balance their constituents’ needs with the inevitability of a Caucasian voting presence in the very near future.

“These guys need to follow the process that’s in place for legal immigration,” commented Hector Vasquez who owns a small elementary school and Chicklet distribution franchise in Puerto Vallarta. “We can’t just grant them all citizenship because the problem has become too big. That’s just stupid.”

No Caucasians could be reached for comment because their phones wouldn’t accept incoming calls.

Edwards Report Announces Layoffs, Cutbacks

In a troubling sign of the current economic downturn, the Edwards Report, the Internet's least popular right wing parody site, announced massive layoffs and cutbacks during a press conference yesterday.  Current CEO Scott Edwards said that the thousands of assembly line workers across America who help in the production of the website would be laid off.  Fighting back tears, he said the move was an agonizing one, but was necessary in order to fulfill his annual bonus and keep the Edwards Report Mansion, rivaled only by the Playboy Mansion, well stocked with Scotch and young, aspiring actresses.  He also announced that the writers for the Edwards Report, about a dozen children in a Vietnam sweat shop, would see their daily one minute cigarette break canceled and their noodle rations cut in half, so the website could afford to pay the severance package to his personal secretary, a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, who mysteriously had to leave her job after only five months.

Obama Image On Mt. Rushmore

It was announced today that President-elect Barack Obama's image will be sculpted on Mt. Rushmore.  The action is historic as Obama is the first black president.  It is also historic as Obama has not yet even been sworn in as president.  In order to make room for Obama's image, which will be twice as large as the other presidents, Thomas Jefferson and Theodore Roosevelt will be removed.  After careful surveying, it was decided that George Washington and Abraham Lincoln would also be removed so as to accommodate Obama's ears. 

In other news . . .

*Obama has appointed Joaquín Guzmán Loera as his Drug Czar.  Mr. Loera will be making personal, nightly visits to Obama in his private chambers. 

*Soon after Obama was elected, it was discovered that dissent is no longer the highest form of patriotism, or at least won't be after noon on January 20, 2009.  Please adjust your views accordingly.

McCain: I Voted For Obama

In an exclusive fake interview with The Edwards Report, Sen. John McCain admitted he voted for his rival, President-elect Barack Obama.  "My friends, I've always been a maverick.  How can you get more maverick than voting for your opponent?"  McCain went on to assail Gov. Sarah Palin as too conservative and inexperienced to be vice president, in what some consider an attempt to win back his media base before running for president again in 2012 at the age of 109.  McCain had to leave the interview early in order to mow the lawns of the entire New York Times editorial board.

27% of Obama's Social Spending To Go To His Family

The Edwards Report has learned that 27% of multi-millionaire presidential candidate Barack Obama's increased social spending for the disadvantaged is expected to go to members of his own extended family. Speaking from his Illinois mansion, Obama said his plan to raise taxes and spread the wealth to those who don't pay taxes is needed to help people like his Aunt Zeituni Onyango who lives in a slum in Boston. He added his health care plan would help his "Uncle Omar," also living in poverty, who was recently beaten by armed robbers. After rolling around in the millions of dollars he made from his two best selling books, Obama suggested his proposed increases in foreign aid would help people like his half-brother George Hussein Obama, who lives in a hut in Kenya on less than $1 a month. Sen. Obama added "If we don't take care of our family members, who will? And by we, I mean the American taxpayer." He ended the interview in order to decide whether to eat free range chicken with organic arugula or Kobe beef with edamame for lunch. Earlier, his brother George had to decide between eating the flies circling him or nothing.

Obama prepares to ask for donations to his presidential campaign while in Kenya.